Today I am having a meeting with my advisor from my days as an MFA student at the University of Victoria. Lynda is a wonderful, hard working, dedicated professor who doesn’t take my crap or my excuses. Hence why I have been trying to do everything on my own, afraid that asking for her help would reveal all of my incompetencies. It is unlikely that she will actually do this. In fact, I predict that she will be extremely helpful with editing my proposals and pointing me in the right direction. But these are the fears that keep me hiding in my studio determined to do it my way and nobody else’s.
I have always had a fear of being watched and judged. Despite keeping up good grades throughout my school years and excelling at exam taking, having someone look over my shoulder makes me go gaga. As a child I would yell and scream and cry if someone was watching me do my homework or had suggestions as to what I was doing wrong. I wanted to work it out my own way. I wanted to do things in my own time. This is probably what also makes me a better instructor than instructors assistant. I clam up in front of those authoritative, watchful eyes. Of course this is absurd. Quite often we do not have the knowledge within us to succeed at our own way. Sometimes we just need the help.
I have been working on proposals for exhibitions and jobs for eight months now and I have to admit that I need help. The first step is Lynda. Someone I trust to tell me the truth without breaking my self esteem. She may not be able to change the result, but with her help I will know that I did what I could. I used the resources available to me. It is difficult to make connections and so we should make the most of the ones we have developed. Not take advantage of them, but let them put their skills to use and help you out.