In Limbo

This is a funny time.

I have a few art projects coming up in the fall and next spring that I am really excited about. I have no job and so all the time in the world to work on these projects but the anxiety of being without a wage keeps pulling me away from actually doing something. We so often yearn for free time but having it opens up a chasm filled with self-doubt. I find myself staring at job pages that I have already searched and checking my messages in case I got a call. It is insecure, I know, but I think it is also not unusual.

I try to spend time outdoors. It usually makes me feel more capable of coping with my own frailties. I take a camera and snap away at imagery that I will probably never use but that could come in useful. This process makes me feel active when I am in a slump or at least more so than staring at a screen. One of our trips last month, I just collected colours from the beach that stood out against the grey day.

There are times that I think I over share on this blog, that perhaps by turning my back on the appearance of self-confidence I have done myself a disservice, but I believe that determination is more important than confidence and I have that in truck loads. I have a quote on my screensaver, by Anna Deavere Smith, that reads

“Confidence is a static state. Determination is active. Determination allows for doubt and for humility — both of which are critical in the world today. There is so much that we don’t know, and so much that we know we don’t know. To be overly confident or without doubt seems silly to me.

Determination, on the other hand, is a commitment to win, a commitment to fight the good fight.”

Sometimes that helps too.

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